I have spent my entire life trying to better myself as a person, but more often than not I find myself screwing up left and right in almost every aspect of my life. I try so hard not to be that guy, the asshole that has no consideration for anyone but himself, but for some reason a side of me like that comes out when I want it to least. I know what I’m doing, but for some reason I don’t stop myself and think “hey, I shouldn’t be doing this”. Too many times have I regretted things after them happening than prevented them from happening in the first place, and I need to figure out how to change that. To prevent everything that could possibly lead to a splash of freezing cold water in the face, figuratively speaking.

Recently I have found myself taking one step forward and being dragged two steps back by nobody but myself. I can’t seem to straighten myself out and just do the right thing all the time, when I try to do the right thing all of the time. Words that I say consistently contradict the stupid things that I do, when I almost always mean the words more than I mean the actions. Actions do speak louder than words but words that come from my mouth mean more to me then the life I was given when I was born. Honesty and integrity are what I value most, I just need to learn to adhere to the latter more than I have been since I’ve been alive.

You probably won’t read this. It’s not a plea, it’s not a tool to try to win back what I’ve already lost. This is in regards to everything, because sometimes theres things on my mind that take a punch in the face for me to be able to put them into words. 

Recently there’s been almost too much on my mind. None of you know and most of you don’t care but I don’t care that you don’t care so here we go… Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing with my life even though I have a job that I’m succeeding at and I’m going to a university. I feel that as my time progresses I am feeling more and more alone as I separate myself from parental guidance and restriction. I do realize that I am now an adult and it’s awesome to feel like my life is 100% in my control, however sometimes I wish I was a kid again already. I thought feelings like that weren’t supposed to come until my midlife crisis haha. I’ve been trying to surround myself with good people and sometimes I feel like I succeed but most of the times I am almost positive that I am failing. I have a huge issue with trusting anyone with anything and it tends to always get in the way of getting closer with people that I’d like to get to know and be friends with. I seriously never trust anyone fully. Lastly, sometimes I wonder if the things I’m spending so much time on in my life are even worth it. I’m in the middle of something and I think to myself “am I wasting my time doing this?”. I also wonder if anyone else does this with the things that they love to do and their lives in general. It’s almost like I feel like I’m wasting time but I want to waste the time, but I don’t want to waste my life. I’m not considering drastically changing anything soon, btw, so don’t trip if you’re trippin which you probably aren’t. I need to ponder more.

It’s the little things you do, that are slowly but surely making me fall for you.